No
by milklovr
Summary: Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.
1. First

A series of one shots chronicling Yamato and Kakashi's relationship from ANBU to post-war.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto

* * *

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.

The first time Yamato is fifteen and Yamato is Tenzou.

Tenzou used to be Kinoe and Kinoe used to be someone else but whatever his name was, he never learned how to say no_._ _No_ got you killed, or worse, so his whole life all he learned to say was _yes, thank you_.

_Yes, thank you_ got you anesthesia in the testing room. _Yes, thank you_ got you solid food instead of liquid injections. _Yes, thank you_ got you only one beating in Root instead of two when you couldn't master a new jutsu quickly enough. Saying y_es, thank you_ to the pain meant it only stayed for a little bit, or maybe a long bit, but it would always go away eventually. _Yes, thank you_ kept you alive, for whatever that's worth.

Tenzou has said _yes, thank you_ to more agreeable things as well. He said _yes, thank you_ when the Hokage pulled him out of Root to let him serve in his own ANBU faction. He said _yes, thank you_ when Kakashi told him they would be on the same team. Tenzou always says yes to Kakashi. Kakashi is his captain and his first friend (or at least, the first friend he can actually talk to. Tenzou called the other test subjects his "friends" but he was never able to actually talk to them and he never will be). Tenzou will do anything for Kakashi, not because he is obligated to but because he _wants_ to (and he's not sure if he has ever _wanted_ anything before).

Kakashi is leaping from tree to tree in a shadowy forest and Tenzou is right behind him. Golden patterns dance across Kakashi's back in the glow of the late summer sun and this thought sticks with Tenzou because he has never really thought about _seasons_ before. And this isn't really the time to be having such thoughts, anyway. Their team has just stolen some country's secrets and is being pursued, but one by one Kakashi has ordered each member to break away and head for the village with the coveted scrolls while he keeps the attention of the pursuers by replacing each member with a shadow clone. It is a risky tactic and it uses up a lot of chakra but it works, and now only Tenzou and Kakashi are left with the pursuers on their tail.

Until Kakashi stops in a place where the sun doesn't fall and tells Tenzou to go join the others. He is planning on taking out the enemy on his own while the rest of his team gets away safely with the information. But Tenzou is carrying no scroll. The mission is already completed and all that's left is the clean up and there is no reason why Kakashi should have to do it alone.

So when Kakashi tells Tenzou to leave, Tenzou, for the first time in his life, says no.

The word feels strange on his tongue and neither of them were really expecting it so Kakashi turns to face him this time and again tells him to go and again Tenzou says no. Even though Kakashi's face is covered by his red-striped dog mask, Tenzou can tell that he is angry. The enemy is closing in so Kakashi tells him one more time to leave and "that is an order."

And remembering something from long ago, Tenzou says, "An order that requires me to abandon my friends is not a valid order."

Kakashi is frustrated at how his own words have twisted and backfired on him and growls at Tenzou that this is "no time to be a hero."

But Tenzou is firm as he tells him "I'm not leaving you," because it is in this moment that Tenzou realizes something that could cause him more pain than anything he has experienced thus far in his fifteen (at least he _thinks_ it's fifteen) years of life. He realizes that to him, Kakashi is not only his captain and maybe not even only his friend. He realizes that if Kakashi goes into this battle alone and does not come out, Tenzou will feel a loneliness more potent than any he has ever felt before. Tenzou is no stranger to loneliness, he watched his "friends" disappear one by one through the glass of his watery test-tube prison, but this is one loneliness he does not want to feel for as long as he lives. Tenzou does not want to lose any of his comrades but he especially does not want to lose _Kakashi_. Losing him would be like winter, like empty, like ice, like – He does not really understand this feeling yet but he knows that he _cannot_ and _will not_ leave him.

Kakashi simply turns away and mutters "do whatever you want" before rushing in to meet the pursuers.

When the battle is over the two of them stand half dead in a clearing surrounded by their enemies who are now all the way dead. Their wounds are severe but thanks to his borrowed cells Tenzou recovers rather quickly, at least enough to make it back to Konoha and get checked out in the hospital. Kakashi does not recover as quickly but he wraps a few bandages around the worse parts and pretends that he does.

A few minutes into their return journey those bandages are already soaked through. Kakashi's pace is slower than usual but Tenzou doesn't say anything and stays just about half a pace behind him so as to be polite. He watches Kakashi's back like a bee does a flower in spring.

Thirty minutes in and Kakashi's bandages are now leaking and his steps are becoming unsteady. Drops of his blood are being left on tree branches but stubbornly he moves forward and still Tenzou says nothing.

Forty-five minutes in and Kakashi finally stops and half looks back over his shoulder like a leaf twisting in the breeze. His mask is till secured but his body has tuned red like autumn. Even his voice rustles as he whispers "Tenzou..." before slipping out of consciousness and off the tree. Strong branches with lush leaves reach out to cushion his fall.

"I've got you," whispers Tenzou to nothing in particular.

Tenzou does not like to say _no_, to anyone and especially not to Kakashi, but this time he is glad that he did.

* * *

Thank you for reading! There will be more. I hope you stay on with me to read it, though of course, you are always free to say "no". :)


	2. Second

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.

The second time Tenzou is seventeen and Itachi has joined ANBU.

Itachi is perfect and a prodigy in every way and Kakashi has taken a liking to him rather quickly. Tenzou doesn't want to say he is jealous because _he isn't_ but he does notice that the two of them seem to have a synchronicity that even surpasses his and Kakashi's, and _it isn't fair_ because he has known him for longer. Kakashi takes Itachi on a lot of two-man missions and Tenzou isn't jealous _in that way_ because Itachi is twelve for goodness sakes, he is a _child_, but then Tenzou worries that Kakashi still sees _him_ as a child, and maybe he is, but he doesn't want Kakashi to see him as one.

Tenzou falls sick on the way back from a mission. Something has entered his body through one of the small scrapes he didn't even bother to mend, and even though his body tends to heal rather quickly, their team's medic still says it will likely take a day for the infection to run its course. Tenzou should not be moved during that time.

Kakashi sends the rest of the team home, including Itachi and including the medic, and places Tenzou's sleeping form in a tent for the night. He sits by his teammate all night, adjusting his blanket each time he shivers, changing the damp towels on his forehead, brushing his long hair from his sweat-streaked face. Watching the young man clench his jaw in pain makes _him_ feel pain and by the time Kakashi realizes why it is much too late.

He has once again done what he promised himself he would never do. He has allowed someone else _too close_ into his life. He has come to care for someone else _too much_ for him to still pass it off as simply a captain looking after his subordinate. All captains want their subordinates to live – for the sake of the mission and because _they are human beings_ of course, no matter how much they try to erase that – but Kakashi especially wants _this person_ to live because his life would be that much emptier if he didn't.

Kakashi wishes for both their sakes that this feeling will pass but it doesn't.

When dawn breaks so does Tenzou's fever and the infection has subsided. Kakashi watches with relief as two black eyes tentatively flutter open. Tenzou blinks a few times before his gaze settles on the older nin and he mutters "senpai...I'm sorry."

"For what?" Kakashi says back, and Tenzou's lips move but no words come out because he isn't quite sure either. But Kakashi has already noticed Tenzou's lips. Kakashi has already noticed that Tenzou is no longer the terrified little boy who needed rescuing from Root and his own history. Tenzou is a man now, or maybe he isn't and maybe neither of them really is, but that is how Kakashi sees him in this moment. Maybe it is because his eyes are no longer big, wide, innocent orbs trying to come to terms with all the _shit_ that is the world. Tenzou's eyes are still big but now they are half-lidded in their drowsiness and somehow they seem different. Tenzou's eyes have seen as much of the world as Kakashi's have or maybe more and they are mesmerizing. Tenzou's eyes could pierce through walls if he wanted them to.

"Close your eyes," Kakashi orders and Tenzou does.

The young wood user hears a rustle of cloth and feels a warmth above his chest before steady chapped lips press gently against his own. It is the gentleness that throws him off.

By the time he opens his eyes again the warmth is already gone. Kakashi is standing by the entrance of the tent and his mask is already pulled up.

"We'll leave as soon as you're able to move," he says and Tenzou is too awestruck to ask questions.

Now whenever Kakashi asks Tenzou to close his eyes he is prepared for what happens next. Sometimes after missions or sometimes after training or sometimes when Kakashi happens to find himself in Tenzou's apartment some nights (because he _put _himself there, Kakashi has to remind himself), Kakashi asks Tenzou to close his eyes and Tenzou always does.

Usually they just kiss but eventually sometimes Kakashi touches him in ways that feel so _fucking_ good Tenzou can almost pretend that his life has always been wonderful and _normal_. It is a feeling of being _known_ that he has never known. A feeling of being _wanted_ that he never knew he wanted.

This goes on for a few months before Tenzou realizes that he has felt Kakashi's lips and Kakashi's touch (and hundreds of other things) so many times but he has never once seen Kakashi's face. It is not simple curiosity that drives him to want to know what is underneath the mask, as it is for many of the other villagers. He has not placed any bets on what Kakashi is hiding, but rather it is that he _knows_ that Kakashi _is_ hiding. And he wants Kakashi to know that he doesn't have to do that anymore. So the next time Kakashi finds himself in Tenzou's apartment (or rather, _puts_ himself there) and asks Tenzou to close his eyes, Tenzou says no.

Kakashi only stands there in stunned silence (and he _lets_ himself stand there, really) as strong, scarred hands slowly reach up to his face and pull down the intimate fabric of his mask – past the faint tan line, past the edge of his scar, past the delicate birth mark on his chin. Tenzou's eyes drink in every last feature. Tenzou's eyes are still big and wide but they are no longer innocent, maybe they never were, Kakashi realizes. And they are definitely no longer terrified.

Tenzou stares at him for as long as Tenzou _wants_ to stare at him and Kakashi has never felt so helpless and vulnerable in his entire life, but he has also never felt so _seen_.

Tenzou is never jealous of Itachi ever again.

* * *

If you enjoyed this chapter, please check out its companion piece, "Some Nights".


	3. Third

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.

The third time Tenzou is eighteen and Tenzou has _had it_.

Kakashi has not written a single mission report in three years, not since Tenzou volunteered to do it _once _when Kakashi was in the hospital, and the next time when Kakashi asked him to do it again he agreed _to be nice_. And then he kept doing it because he wanted to be helpful and useful because Kakashi has helped him in _so many ways_, has saved his life in _so many ways_.

But never not once has Kakashi ever shown him any gratitude (and that _thing_ he does with his tongue does _not_ count).

So one day Tenzou figures he is done paying Kakashi back because it isn't just the mission reports. It's also washing his gear and replacing his supplies and sharpening his weapons and preparing his mission packs. It's also dealing with idiotic last-minute strategy changes that could honestly get them all _killed_ if Kakashi wasn't so _damn_ good at his job and also, more likely, just extremely lucky. It's also the constant teasing and lateness and ridiculous excuses when Kakashi is in a good mood, and the relentless near-coma-inducing training when he is in a bad one. It's also letting Kakashi have his way with him some nights and then insist that Tenzou hold him afterwards as if _he_ is the more broken one. As if it's a contest. And _yes _it makes Tenzou feel trusted and wanted and needed, but sometimes _he_ wants to be the one to be held, to be allowed to break.

And it just takes one more frivolous request, one more patronizing look and one more acerbic comment for Tenzou to decide that he has _had it._

So when they return from their most recent mission and Kakashi asks him to write the mission report, Tenzou says no. Or rather, he yells it this time.

Yelling is new to Tenzou. So is anger. This isn't the same dull anger of being picked at and prodded and used and abandoned that has been sitting in the deepest pocket of his soul for as long as he can remember. Or maybe it is.

When Kakashi first hears Tenzou's refusal he laughs, and Kakashi's laughs are rarely ever a sweet thing. They are usually morbid and cutting and scathing as they are now, as if all the bitterness he holds towards life can so easily come slipping off his tongue, and this only makes Tenzou angrier. So Tenzou yells back – because he _likes_ yelling now – "write your own damn report" and "just try living one day without me and see how far you get you manipulative inconsiderate _parasite_".

Tenzou feels really good for the first few minutes after he leaves and then he feels really bad for most of the time afterwards.

This isn't _really_ about the mission report, and they both know that, probably. They both know that being together feels really good for the most part but then really bad afterwards. ANBU is no place for healthy relationships. ANBU doesn't stop the cracks from forming, and kisses don't make them any smaller, and arms, no matter how strong, can't hold the pieces together forever. They both know this even on the windless nights when they try. But they also both know that without each other in ANBU they likely wouldn't have survived this long, for the simple fact that they would have had no _reason_ to.

Tenzou wonders that night if maybe love is supposed to hurt. Maybe it is supposed to take and take and leave you empty and never give. He wouldn't know. He has never felt anything like this before. Maybe it is better not to feel. Maybe it is better just to play the perfect wooden soldier he was always meant to be.

The next day their former teammate annihilates his entire clan. Team Ro is sent to clean up the bodies. Tenzou writes up the report without being asked, and Kakashi leaves ANBU. Tenzou knows it has nothing to do with their fight and everything to do with their traitorous former teammate and the darkness growing in Kakashi's heart, but Tenzou still selfishly wishes that he could have saved his _no_ in order to stop Kakashi from leaving.

This isn't the same dull sadness of being picked at and prodded and used and abandoned that has been sitting in the deepest pocket of his soul for as long as he can remember. Or maybe it is.


	4. Fourth

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.

The fourth time Tenzou is twenty-four and Kakashi has not spoken to him in six years.

The few words next to the memorial stone before Kakashi met his genin team for the first time don't count because even though Kakashi said "see you" he did not mean it. He might as well have been talking to the ghosts.

In fact it seems as though Kakashi has been actively avoiding him ever since he left ANBU. He is never at home whenever Tenzou is in the village, he visits the memorial stone at different times during the day so Tenzou cannot predict his schedule, he never goes out in the village to any of the places he knows Tenzou likes.

But even that is a hopeful thought because if Kakashi really _is_ avoiding him then that means Kakashi is at least thinking about him and that may be pure conjecture at best.

And Tenzou _gets it_, he does. It's probably better for Kakashi that they don't speak. Kakashi has gotten out of ANBU, out of the darkness that threatened to consume him whole. He has friends from his youth who are happy to spend time with him. He has new people – his students – who need him and depend on him and give him a kind of hope he hasn't felt in a very long time. And Tenzou would just be a reminder of the time when he had none of that. Tenzou on his own could give him _none of that_.

But then Kakashi's students break apart and leave and Kakashi's old cracks open up again and Tenzou is not sure if anyone else can see them.

Kakashi is in the hospital again, as he often is after a mission now that his students are gone. Kakashi is reckless and thoughtless and uses too much chakra and that is why Kakashi is in the hospital. Some people see it as brave and daring and heroic but not Tenzou. Tenzou has been watching Kakashi for longer than he is willing to admit and he sees it for what it is.

When Tenzou visits him in the hospital Kakashi still will not talk to him, will not even acknowledge him, as if Tenzou is merely a specter from his past that continues to haunt him. Tenzou leaves a vase of flowers on the windowsill – flowers he learned to grow from his own flesh because sometimes even he needs a reminder that _yes_ he is solid and _yes_ he is alive – but Kakashi escapes from the hospital that same night and does not take the flowers.

And Tenzou _gets it_, he does. Kakashi does not want to slip back into his old routine, does not want to acknowledge the cracks, does not want to be cared for. He just wants Tenzou to forget him and leave him alone.

This time Tenzou does not really _say _no – Kakashi wouldn't hear it anyway – so much as he _shows_ it. Tenzou leaves flowers in Kakashi's hospital rooms, cooks meals and leaves them in Kakashi's refrigerator, cleans and organizes Kakashi's apartment in the exact way he knows Kakashi likes. Tenzou will not and cannot leave him alone.

Tenzou does not do this to be thanked. He does not do it so Kakashi will come back to him. He does not need him anymore, he thinks, at least not in the same way. He has Team Ro, Yugao and the others, who show him more respect and loyalty than even Kakashi ever did. He has the Hokage's trust and he has his own confidence and he has his own worth, he knows that now. Tenzou does not expect to be anything more than the ghost that keeps Kakashi anchored to the present while the others try to drag him back into the past. If he can accomplish this one thing then it does not matter if Kakashi never speaks to him again.

He does this because he knows a side of Kakashi that others don't. He does it because he loves him unconditionally, and he truly means that now, _unconditionally_.

It is not practical, it is not smart maybe for an ANBU to love. But the feeling snuck up on him years ago and grabbed hold of him and never let go, and Tenzou is glad now that it did. With it he is not just a machine, he is not just a weapon, he is not just a guinea pig. So he _will not_ leave Kakashi alone, he _cannot_ leave him alone because love makes _both_ of them human.

This kind of love does not hurt, anymore. This kind of love still takes but only as much as Tenzou is willing to give.

Kakashi never thanks him, still does not talk to him, but after a few months, he starts to take the flowers.

Two years later when Naruto returns to the village and Kakashi is mending again, Tenzou becomes Yamato. Yamato walks into a hospital room but he doesn't bring any flowers this time. One gray eye widens in recognition. The first word Kakashi says to him in eight years, really _to him_ and not to the ghosts, is "you..."

And it doesn't really mean much, or maybe it means nothing at all, but Yamato smiles anyway because he is _so glad_ that Kakashi can finally _see_ him.


	5. Last

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi.

The fifth and final time Yamato is twenty-seven and Konoha is going to war.

Both Kakashi and Yamato will survive this war but neither of them knows this yet. They still skirt around the issue, that of their precarious existence every time they leave the village walls, as they did ever since they were ANBU. Neither of them is arrogant enough to believe they are invincible nor cynical enough to accept death so easily, not anymore. They've both existed too long on that teetering edge between life and death to admit that they have any real fear of it, and they don't. Or at least, not for themselves. So instead, on the eve of Yamato's boat trip to the Land of Lightening, Kakashi simply teases him about not letting Naruto fool him with shadow clones again, and he calls him Tenzou. He often calls him Tenzou even though he is not supposed to. Perhaps it is a slip of the tongue but more likely it is to get on Yamato's nerves. Usually when this happens Yamato gives a halfhearted laugh and tells Kakashi to knock it off but not this time. Not this _maybe last_ time. This time he is firm when he says "no, call me Yamato."

Kakashi is taken aback for a moment as he often is when Yamato's sternness is directed towards him. Then Kakashi chuckles a bit and says "come on now" and calls him Tenzou again as if it is something intimate, as if it is an inside joke they both share.

But Yamato has played this game before and again, more forcefully this time, says "no, call me Yamato".

Kakashi has never considered how much this actually bothered him before, but then again, Kakashi was born with a name. Kakashi was given a name by people who loved him.

"Tenzou is a borrowed name," Yamato explains, but what he means is that Tenzou is a dead boy's name. When he first took the name Tenzou it was because Tenzou had a family and a past and a home, but Tenzou also had a grave. Tenzou drowned some twenty-odd years ago in a laboratory test tube and Yamato spent thirteen years with a dead boy's name living a dead boy's life.

"I want my own name," he says, but what he means is he wants his own life. Tenzou was his first "friend" and his first ghost. Tenzou didn't have dreams because they were stolen from him. Yamato wants to have dreams and Yamato wants to be loved as a person who is capable of returning love, not as a dead boy who cannot feel anything.

His given name was taken from him before he could even learn to speak it. He will never know what else was taken along with it. Tenzou was safe, and Tenzou was wanted, but Tenzou _was._ Yamato wants _to be_.

It takes some time for Kakashi to understand this but when he does he wants to make sure that Yamato knows that he is wanted and needed just as much as Tenzou was, maybe even more. He wants to make sure that before they face the uncertainty that lies beyond their village walls, Yamato feels every ounce of gratitude Kakashi has for his existence, every ounce of love Kakashi has tried to deny for years because he thought it would be less painful that way. But Kakashi decides in that moment, the same way Yamato decided the first time he said _no_, that he will endure any amount of pain if it means the person before him knows that he is loved.

They are both thinking that if there wasn't a war they could finally do this right.

If there wasn't a war, if they hadn't been in ANBU, if they didn't have ghosts, maybe they could be something more beautiful, something without cracks or missing pieces. Maybe they wouldn't have wasted so much _time_ getting to this point.

Kakashi wants to apologize for all the time he spent avoiding Yamato when he was Tenzou, thinking that he was doing it to protect him, when in reality he was only protecting himself. He wants to apologize for only going to Yamato when he was Tenzou in times of darkness, seeking comfort, and never in times of joy. He wants to apologize for giving the false impression that love has to hurt to be real. It is not love that will cause them pain but rather the absence of it. Kakashi wants to apologize for all these things but he isn't really one for apologies, not because he is too proud but because if he starts now he will never stop. His list is too long.

So instead Kakashi takes Yamato to his apartment and closes all the windows and doors so that the war cannot reach them. He closes all the lights so that the ghosts cannot find them. And this time when he makes love to him he whispers "Yamato" in his ear and holds him afterwards. This time they don't try to heal the cracks but instead let their edges fit together like puzzle pieces. This way it is impossible to tell that anything was ever missing.

Kakashi never calls him Tenzou again.

Yamato finally feels complete.


	6. Almost

Yes, this was only supposed to be 5 chapters because yes most hands have 5 fingers, but I wanted to give Yamato a better outcome than what he got at the end of Naruto/in Boruto, and I hope you do too. Thank you for reading to the end.

* * *

Yamato can count on one hand the amount of times he has ever said no to Kakashi, but that isn't to say he didn't try at least one more time.

Yamato is twenty-eight and the war is over. Kakashi is Hokage and Orochimaru is alive.

This is not a future either Yamato or Kakashi could have ever imagined ten years ago. In fact Yamato never used to imagine a future at all. He could never afford to, could never allow himself to, until the death of the man who imprisoned him set him free.

Orochimaru is being released from prison today.

He likely could have escaped any time he wanted but he didn't, and that is a point in his favor. Due to his assistance during the war and his vast knowledge of ninjutsu he is essentially being given freedom.

All of Yamato's old fears and insecurities he didn't realize he still had come rushing back to him in a tidal wave and he _cannot let this be._ He suggests to Kakashi that Orochimaru be kept under strict watch at all times and Kakashi agrees. He volunteers himself to do the watching.

There are a multitude of reasons why Yamato volunteers for this job.

For one, Yamato knows that he was on the wrong side of the war. Even though he was being used and even though it was against his will, he still _hurt_ people. It will take some time for him to fully atone for his actions. It will take some time for him to learn to forgive himself.

For another, Yamato has decided that the purpose of his life is to serve others. Or maybe it was decided for him – _inserted into his DNA_ – but _he_ will be the one to choose whom he serves.

And, most importantly, Yamato does not trust Orochimaru. Their histories are inextricably intertwined and Yamato cannot forget the life that was stolen from him. He cannot let the same thing happen again. If there is even the slightest chance that the sannin will harm another person, Yamato must be the one to stop him.

There are a multitude of reasons why he volunteers for this job but when Kakashi asks, the only thing Yamato can think to say is, "He _raised_ me."

The two of them blink back something that might have been tears ten years ago.

_Raised_ is not the right word, Yamato knows. _Made_ would have been better – _manufactured, manipulated, abandoned_ – but _raised_ is the word he uses. Because in the distorted pictures in his brain Orochimaru's face is the only one he remembers seeing after all his "friends" disappeared. Orochimaru's voice is the only one he remembers hearing like some bastardized lullaby of formulas and statistics through thick clouded glass. Orochimaru's hands were the only ones that held him and fed him and hurt him, but they were also the only constant that let him know he was alive, before he even knew what that was worth.

Because even though Orochimaru stole his life from him, he also gave him a new one. Without Orochimaru he wouldn't have been orphaned or taken by Danzo or used by the enemy during the war. But also without Orochimaru he never would have been rescued from Root or made captain of Naruto's team. He never would have felt the pride of building someone a new home or the pleasure of resting under the shade of your own tree. He never would have built bridges or provided safe havens or made flowers bloom. He never would have met Kakashi.

This is not a future Yamato could have ever imagined, in fact he is not well practiced in imagining a future at all, but if he were to really try hard now he could just make out the simple picture in his mind's eye of his team – his family – and they are smiling. And he is with Kakashi, in a house with a back porch and a large oak tree – a house that he built for the both of them.

Yamato wants –

Yamato wants to hate this man, this _monster._ He wants to hurt him, lock him up, deny him agency, until every last ounce of ambition is squeezed out of him and he wishes he had just stayed dead. But he can't. Because hating Orochimaru would also mean hating a part of himself. Because to have a future he must acknowledge his past. So instead he will go back to the beginning, back to a laboratory where life as he knew it first began. If he can come to understand this twisted demon of a man who he allowed to define his life for so long, if he can come to see him as human, then maybe he can learn to reconcile the life he lost with the life he was given with the life he _wants_ to have.

After all, he is Yamato now, and Orochimaru cannot hurt him.

Kakashi does not understand all of this, but he _does understand_ that there are some things he will _never understand_. This does not stop Kakashi from asking Yamato to stay. He tells him someone else can do the job, old wounds have already healed and don't need to be reopened, the war is over and they can _finally do this right_. But when Kakashi says stay, Yamato says no. He has already made his decision. This is something he needs to do.

"The Hokageship needs you," Kakashi tries to reason but still Yamato says no. The Hokage will have Shizune to assist him when she's not working in the hospital and Shikamaru to advise him and engage in diplomacy.

"The village needs you," Kakashi tries to add when that doesn't work but still Yamato says no. The village will be protected by some of the most distinguished heroes of the war who are all eager to build and protect their new peace.

"I need you," Kakashi finally admits and this time Yamato's _no_ sticks in his throat.

If Kakashi has learned anything after this war it is that he will not stand losing another person who is important to him. Especially not his pillar, his rock, his beam of light who stood by him even while his eyes were closed.

The silence stretches out while Yamato considers his options. He could go and try to find his answers, or he could stay and try to forget his questions. Yamato is not sure in which option "happiness" is but one of them certainly seems far more tempting.

_The war is over and they can finally do this right._

But that isn't completely true either, Yamato realizes, because there is no such thing as a "right" way of loving someone. There is no mystical time or place where everyone is free from risk and worry and sadness and fear, when everyone is happy and there is a "right" way of loving someone. They both know deep down that "happily ever after" is not meant for them, not with their duties to the village or responsibilities to themselves or hints of darkness that still cloud their hearts and memories, but that is ok. They will leave that for the next generation. They will have to find their own way.

"Compromise," Yamato suggests. Because even though they may not have assurances or freedoms or stability, for the first time in their lives, they have _time_. Six months guarding Orochimaru and six months spent in the village is what they agree on. The blocks of time can be split up in whatever way they wish but they must be equal. Communication will remain constant (and _appropriate,_ Yamato must insist) while he is away. And while he is in the village – well, there would be no problems with communication there.

Yamato doesn't really count this as one of his _no's_ because it only half works, and for that Yamato is glad. _No_ is a powerful word, he has learned. _No_ is a weapon, but it is also protection. _No_ closes doors but it can also open them. Some _no's _he cherishes while others he regrets. _No_ stops and starts, pushes and pulls, injures and heals. Yamato can use it whenever he wants, but he does not always need to.

For six months out of the year Yamato will face his ghosts and learn to forgive – the ghosts, their creator, and himself. For the other six he will learn the _true_ meaning of the word "compromise". He will also be reminded of how truly happy he is to be alive, and to have a life that turned out exactly the way it did.

And when Yamato is ready – if Yamato is ever ready – Kakashi will ask him to build a house for the both of them, and Yamato will say yes.


End file.
